a terrible painter, a dreamer, a rebel , a feminist and a self certified bisexual Witch. Who is always trying to visualize whats on the other side of the canvas she paints,just another human- Living alive Life. Now also a green tea addict.

Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Keep Thy thoughts to Thyself..



This post might sound repetitive and my anger may look futile. Still I will write and vent out my anger.
A few days back after my beloved cell phone returned from care shop, I decided to check in my watsapp and change the display picture. So I put a picture of my short legs in my red kitten heel peep toe.  The picture had no hidden motive but a decision out of my random nature. Honestly I love my small short toned legs and I love those kitten heel. These are the only shoes I have ever bought with my own pocket money. I simply love the pair.
My walking mate thought that these were new pair but they are four year old. Off course she  loved the shoes she is a girl too. But a certain someone of my acquaintance is on watsapp too. This certain someone had been sent a picture of my beloved Goldie. Instead replying about Goldie I got a question followed by a statement. I was asked if my picture was an erotic sensual display of skin. I got a suggestion from them that, I should make the same picture my display picture in Facebook I would get many likes. The person found it plain skin show and nothing more. Off course he said it out care, honestly this kind of concern can’t be digested. 

People often take it upon themselves to keep the morals of society. My legs in red shoes had nothing to do with anyone’s thinking. When I retorted back saying that certain someone had a dirty mind and a cheap attitude. Then they found it hurting. So how do I feel when I am insulted by untamed words created out of concern? The problem with people is they think they are right for everyone. Yes you are right in your shoes but not in mine. Concern for others is good, but if you lack basic control on words, one should resist advising. Yes I am really angry, I hate it when people try to tell me I am not proper. If my mother, sister, father, brother in law who are also in watsapp have no problem with my display picture, none should have any. If I am not so called proper I am lectured by the great women of my life.  I should make it strictly clear if you are not my family and close friends you should keep your words in your throat.  Had my sister told the picture is not good, I would have removed it.  The words used to describe my photograph were vulgar. If beauty lies in the eyes of beholder, than ugly lies in the mouth of speaker. Certain someone said the words of elders should be heeded, well then elders should stop making younger feel dirty, cheap and low life with their unrefined display of concern. When I am hurt I can really make the person responsible even  more bitter. Well my words in return were rude, hurting but I don’t regret saying them.
The words certain someone had said were result of the patriarchal mind set up. The words appeared like I had put the picture up for provocation. We have always given the girls the limitations, when that limitations are crossed  we tend restrain them. If a guy had put his shoes with his legs in it , it wouldn’t have been termed erotic rather something to make a joke out of. Our outlook towards female and male body is drastically opposite. If a guy roams around without any t-shirt, bare upper body, people will taunt him by saying “Hero banne chala” that means he is out to be hero. What happens if a girl roams around bare upper body? We will have various imaginations right now. If my display of short legs in red shoes were erotic we can guess what would happen. We paint women nude in our quest for aesthetic satisfaction, poets have described women in various color. Our temples are filled with sculpture of men and women making love. Yet when question comes to honor of family, we will bind her, cover her, and if she expresses desire to fly she is branded corrupt.  How hypocritical we are, I feel ashamed of my existence. This innate tendency of ours to blame the women and branding her and telling her you are not proper is stupid. Who are we to tell others you are not proper? The definition of proper has changed over time. Concern, care, love, honor none gives anyone the right to use words that disgust the very existence of self.
To the people who think they are guiding the people and advise them disregarding the feelings of others, should have a tongue to taste their own medicine. It’s our life, our methods to express ourselves . We can express our happiness in red shoes, our sadness in old John Lennon T-shirt, our anger in candles, our hopes in empty tea cups. Our methods our expression, it’s none’s way, if we don’t understand we should ask it not pass judgments around.
  P.S- yes I am angry, I feel the victim of patriarchal thoughts  whenever people comment on the moral codes of proper against me or any other person irrespective of the person is a he , she or both.


thanking you to bear with me                                                                                                                                          paulOaries

Sunday, 28 April 2013

Oh my Death







In life we come across people who tend to have an obsession with death and they take pride in their final days. We have had the baroque culture putting its own influences. In teenagers we find that tendency to go for the darker side. Death often becomes the symbol to end suffering, end all the worldly problems. Again death becomes a symbol of revolution, symbol of heartbreak, symbol of end.  Death is all and the ultimate truth of life. If you are born you must die.  Well I am not death loving person, I am all for life. One day I have to face my end so I won’t worry about it till then.
Few days back I saw the film The Fountain, where we find Jackman in three different time zones searching a way to escape the gift of mortality. We find him stating that Death is a disease and there is a cure. I too had an idea sprouting in my mind many times, what if death was an ailment. I have my concepts of creation too, will pen down those thoughts one day.  Let’s go back to disease point, I wonder may be once upon a time when humanity was at its peak point of civilization and that time period is lost to us. May be some industrial or biological hazard took place. That hazard may have released some gas or biological creation by mistake. This mistake resulted in Death. Death stuck with us over all this time.  Since death has become universal we accepted it as ultimate. Since it’s a disease the impact is different on different creature for e.g Dogs can live up to 16years, some birds up to 150years, tortoise for a century and so on. Well that’s a hypothesis of a confused soul like me.

In the same film, Weisz again reads the Mayan mythology of creation. The first father sacrificed himself for creating the world and universe. From his naval grew the tree of life. The concept of tree of life sprouting from naval is not solely Mayan’s; we have Lord Vishnu from whose naval the tree of life grows. Vishnu’s one is not a tree technically but a louts plant. On the flower resides Brahma the father of universe rather universe itself. We are almost similar with the Mayan theory accept the part where first father dies and creates everything. Vishnu is very much alive and his purpose is to preserve.  In Mayan theory, with my limited information I can say destruction and death precedes and provides the road of creation. In Hindu mythology our god of destruction is the lord of all. He is lord Shiva, he destroys the world with his tandav (dance) .  Weisz in the film states Death an act of creation.  Being born with an untamed inclination towards creativity, the quote stuck to me.

What if Death is an act of creation? The culture of sacrifice is not uncommon to Indians.  We need blood to ground of our faith. We have worshiped Goddess Kali, she like her husband lord Shiva is the destroyer. She in her sober and real form that is Parvati is the goddess of preservation. Shiva-Parvati are the symbol of Destruction and Cerativity go hand in hand. Destruction of life is personified with Death and destruction of world in calamities. So it won’t we hard for us to grasp that we need death for creation. If John Donne had his way he would have started anti-campaign against death. In my beloved Sandman, Death is the friend no one wants. Paulo Coelho says Death is sitting opposite to him and waiting for the moment when he is willing to embrace her.  Death is often personified as a female, as a feminist it’s an honor. I wonder if she is wearing all black like portrayed in comics and book or she has her own brand of clothes.
Death in Paradise Lost is the result of incestuous outcome; he was conceived by Sin who was raped by her father Satan. Hence he is the son and brother of Sin, so maybe this shameful birth is the concept behind the sadistic games of in the Final Destination series . In the play Everyman Death is an agent of God who has free will. Death has his own morals and hopes in mankind in the play. In Terry Pratchett ‘s Discworld Books has Death as an skinny rather a skeleton hooded with a scythe. That’s the most common image we find on net. In Sadman she is a charming women who is ever smiling and carrying her duty out.

You might wonder why my cheerful mind suddenly started to talk about Death is such a good weather. So here it goes, I was eavesdropping two old man near my favorite bookshop and technically I was. But it was not intentional, rather happened, I was standing there and these men were standing near the sweetmeat shop and speaking of the life gone by, family, children, jobs and sipping tea. I assume both were retired and out for evening walk. One of them was small and had potbelly and other was well built and wrinkly.  Mr. Pot belly blood sugar problem so he avoided the tempting rasgullas and saying to other “Your entire life you work like an ass and in the end you get diseases and death as an gift”. The other nodded and said “It all comes down to a zero in the end.”   The same attitude flows from the mouth of the silent significant character of my story: my father. I often find my old man cranky and sad that his retirement is near and he had once used the very same words “It all comes down to zero in the end”. On the other hand my grandfather is a man of life, never looking for his end. May be my sister and me, we both have inherited that spirit- to live.
It might be possible when people turn old they turn cranky and one to hold on the life they lived and fear the zero. One day who knows I too will become cranky old cat lady. I will sit in my arm chair with my cats on my lap, on my feet and everywhere. I too will wait for death and curse it. Well that’s for my present life to decide. If I live fullest in my youth and retire active, I surely will curse everyone around. If I live boring life I will become cranky any way. Let’s wait until then. Right now I fear death, not the Death Phobia; I am neither death obsessed who will think about it day and night. Well I really don’t want a zero in the end , one will also be fine, but not a zero.  If my readers if I have any, and if they are of my father’s age please know that your retirement doesn’t make you worthless and it’s not a zero in the end.

She or He, single or a group, abstract or solid, we never know what Death can be. So I will stick to my hypothesis, it might be an ailment. There must be a cure. Now if the cure lies on other side we can’t help it.
P.S- I am not suffering from any deathly disease and my mental balance is fine. It’s just those two old man and the film The fountain  forced my brained to pen about Death.


thanking you to bear with me
paulOaries                                                                                                                                                                         

Saturday, 27 April 2013

Virtually Wanted...








First of all I beg for your forgiveness, I am really sorry for not deserting my dearest blog for a whole month. I was not suffering from writers block rather the lazy-bum syndrome. To put it in a simple way I did not have any new misadventure, twisted tales or any important event to pen down with. I would have written something, but my internet connection has been testing my patience for a long time. That was not all, my cell phone had conspired with my modem too. Right now I am sitting in a cyber café and typing. I would like to share what I gained and missed this month without my 24/7 net connection and cell phone.

Missed.
1.       Every night  I had been watching my favorite anime Bleach online. It was  three episode per night. Now if I calculate it, I missed watching two seasons.
2.        I missed all the news around the world. Yes we do subscribe newspaper and we have television too. But we don’t subscribe English newspaper but Bangla.  So my online news supply from TOI, Newyorkers, Huffingtonpost, Hindu, etc are cut off. Television no longer seduces me and the news reporters shouting Breaking News frustrates me.
3.       I missed reading the latest Yaoi Manga in Yaoi heaven.  I never mentioned it in my blog, but I am a huge Yaoi fan and despite my all human rights and feminist ideologies I harvest an sinful interest.
4.       I miss my Facebook, not because I want to chat and track my friends but theres  a really new game or app whatever people call it. The game is Bitstrip and it’s a comic making game with our own avatar. Hence I want to play it.
5.       Missed reading Paulo Coelho’s latest blog post. I missed Neil Gaiman’s blog post. I missed many blog posts of art blogs, fashion blogs, feminist blog etc.
6.       Youtube my never disappointing friend was not left out too. I missed the art videos, new trailers of movies, anime OVAs , short flims and yaoi off course.
7.       With my cell phone gone, I miss my pocket money too. Without watsapp my cell phone life has become handicapped. The sms rates have gone up, recharge cards have become scarce. Overall my online and virtual world suffered an apocalypse. Its still suffering from apocalypse, which is the reason why I am in a cyber café typing. 
Gained

1.       Well I read five novellas of Ruskin Bond in three days. It was really great that I managed to pull them. I read my beloved Sandman book II A dolls house. I completed the last part of the Shiva trilogy The Oath of The Vayuputra and I must say it was an epic end to the trilogy. I read many more. In general I finish three book s a month with some extra light reading, but I think I need this  break from virtual life.
2.       I finished reading  “A portrait of the artist as a Young Man” for second time. Now why is this not  in the above point? Honestly this book is a masterpiece itself. Its too complicated for my little brain, hence rereading it is an achievement for me.
3.       I painted many small arts on stick pad. I drew painted, coloured, pasted. My creative urges required this flow of undisturbed solitude.
4.       I created many bookmarks, we all know flipkart gives bookmarks without charging, yet I desired my own set off bookmarks. Flipkart taught me that a bookmark can express your feelings, moods, demands. It helps really..
5.       My money in my bank account got saved for the month. Well I am an online book shopaholic who gets tempted to buy graphic novels and comics without any second thought. I buy all kind off books resulting in infinite number of unread books. So I am little less angry with faltering net connection.
6.       I survived without my cell phone for a week. It was a torture, that I could not call and text people. I always thought I would be dead without it and my cell phone was next to oxygen. But we did survive.
7.       I finished my pending home work, I do study everyday, but there were many notes lying around without a thorough reading. I organized my mental frame for the upcoming finals. So I am all set to go.

 Since my result came out I am second this time, well it did not hurt that I am not the topper. If we see it from my angle I did not go down I am consistent on my constant GPA , but the topper increased hers. So I need to be more competitive, it’s the only chance in life I will ever  top in academics. But I suck at being competitive; still we will try our best.


P.S- So over all this never seeked break from virtual one was a must for my bubble head. Since my net problem is not solved yet, I am going to schedule two more post for this month. Don’t know when will write back.


thanking you to bear with me                                                                                                           paulOaries